Torn

I talk a lot with my mouth. In fact sometimes I abuse the privilege of talking. This sometimes irritates some people, while it is considered good by others. However, though I am known for my talkative-ness. I can’t help but miss my friends at home who know me enough that they make fun of my nonverbal-talkative-ness as well. I’m always complementing what I say, by touching someone especially when I’m sorry. I’m also a contradicter especially when on the phone. I say yes a lot while actually shaking my head no. It is just something I do whether I actually mean it or not.

Here though, I feel a bit muffled. I’m not as expressive as I am at home. I’m actually not as talkative. I mean I talk, but normally it is about substantial stuff. In Scotland I just feel like doing such a thing would be a waste of time. No one here, really understands my nonverbal behaviors either. Though most nonverbal communication ambiguous I feel if you truly know someone you understand, not just their verbal communication habits, but also their nonverbal ones.

I don't know if I'm in culture shock or what. I don't think this is culture shock. If anything I want to be more immersed in the Scottish world and culture. I do not wish to return to the States still for a very long time. In fact, the only thing I really miss from the States right now is my friends and a few family members mainly my niece who I haven' t met.

I'm just done with this program. I don't want to deal with class in which the expectations are not clear to me. In which I'll ask what the expectations are, and get a different answer every time. I'm sick of being confused as to whether I'm studying the right material. I wish I had just done an independent study and maybe an internship. Along with the forced class.

My nonverbals are actually screaming this controversy. I may look all happy excited, interested in classes, but if someone understood my gestures, me in general. They'd know I was bored to tears, or frustrated as hell. In otherwords I'm a huge in contradicting when it comes to my nonverbals. I think though that is only true here.

31 days left, and I do not want to leave. 31 days left, and I want this program to end...

I don't like how torn I feel. I don't even know what else to say.

Culture shock perhaps? The honeymoon is over for me? However, it has nothing to do with culture, just has to do with me hating something of Wisconsin.

Oh well... 31 days. Regardless it makes me sad.